1) If you aren’t driving, then shut the fuck up.
NO ONE can tolerate a person that back-seat drives, especially on a road trip. Seriously, just shut up. The only time you should be talking is if you are engaging the driver for his enjoyment. If he wants to have a conversation, then ok. But only if he asks for it and only if it isn’t boring. The driver (more often than not) will usually drive the entire distance for whatever reason. Therefore, every passenger has the job of making the driver’s job as easy as possible. At least in theory. Let me clarify here. You can talk, and you should, as long as it is interesting and not back-seat driving. If the driver talks to you about something, engage him. He is bored and wants to entertain himself in one of the few ways he can. Chances are, if he is anything like me, that I will be talking about some bad ass stuff. Which brings me to my next rule….
-If you are traveling with friends in your car, the passengers must keep the car clean. Being on a road trip doesn’t entitle you to being a slob. If you get fast food, don’t wipe your hands on the seats, and don’t leave trash everywhere. Because if you wipe grease on my leather seats, I will kick you the fuck out and you WILL walk. Friend or not. Actually, I will get you drunk, and let a transgender prostitute blow you, then I will post pics of that on Facebook and email your entire contacts list on every account you have. For real.